


첫 사랑 (First Love)

by purplemonster



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 10:58:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplemonster/pseuds/purplemonster
Summary: For some people, first love is found in a childhood friend, a high school crush or a next door neighbor. For Jongin, he finds it in a man twice his age.





	첫 사랑 (First Love)

**Author's Note:**

> This is rated M for a number of things but not smut. Warnings include angst, age difference, homophobia and a small portion of underage drinking. The age of consent in this story is 18. 
> 
> I would like to thank Michele for fixing my grammar and saying yes to being my beta for this story. Thank you!!!

_Happy 17th Birthday Jonginnie!_  
  
Jongin stares at the red and white frosting on top of the cake and tries hard not to cringe. It's a nice looking cake. Chocolate. His favorite. He knows his mother got it from his favorite cake shop where all his past birthday cakes were made. The baker there knows him. He always packs him extra red bean buns when he stops by to buy some. Still, Jongin can't help but wonder if the baker who wrote the words on his cake found this funny. He's turning seventeen years old in a few minutes and yet people call him Jonginnie.  
  
"Are you ready, honey?"  
  
Jongin gives his mother a bleak smile which he knows will go unnoticed with how small the screen on her phone must be. Video chatting with his parents on the eve of his birthday. Pathetic.  
  
"Can I blow the candles out now?" Jongin asks, staring blankly back at the cake. His laptop is in front of him, showing a view of the cake and of him sitting there waiting for when all this ends. He'd rather go to sleep than stay up for this. Besides, nothing much happens on his birthday. It's the same old thing. Parents are away on a business trip. Jongin is left alone with his cake. Jongin barely remembers having people over for a party on his birthday. The last time he did have one, he was probably three years old.  
  
"Make a wish!" His father says, peering into the screen and his mother scoots over so both of their faces can fit.  
  
They look happy. Proud. Their only son turning seventeen. Jongin can't feel the same way though as he leans in to blow the candle. He closes his eyes just before he does so and makes a wish. The same old wish as always.  
  
The candle goes out in a puff, white thin smoke coiling and disappearing into the air. Jongin just stares at it until he sees it disappear completely, unable to look at his parents' beaming faces on screen.  
  
"Happy Birthday Jonginnie!"  
  
"Happy Birthday, son! We love you!"  
  
Jongin smiles. He tells them he loves them too.  
  
"What did you wish for?" His mother asks and Jongin stares at the candle again.  
  
The same old wish he always makes.  
  
Jongin wishes that he could grow up fast.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Jongin hates being a kid and a teenager for as long as he can remember. He's always _Jonginnie, kid, kiddo, young master, Nini._ He is never just Kim Jongin. People look at him like he's still in that age between nine or thirteen, treating him like he can't fend for himself and fawning over him like a newborn baby.  
  
Maybe it's because he's alone. Jongin has read that when you're alone, people treat you differently. They treat you with sympathy. Only child. Parents travelling in and out of the country. Left alone to the care of helpers. Jongin doesn't have to look around to see the stares his teachers give him at school when there are PTA meetings and Jongin's parents aren't there. Or during father and son campings and family day events. Jongin also doesn't have to listen properly to know that some of the kids find him as a spoiled rich kid, being showered with money since his parents can't be there to shower him with attention and love.  
  
For the most part, Jongin ignores it. He's used to it. He has lived almost all his life alone. It's not that big of a deal.  
  
He tries to believe that living in a huge house is fun. That he should be thankful he has helpers that cater to his every need. That he doesn't need a whole lot of friends and that Sehun is enough. That having parents who work hard all the time and give him everything is a blessing. It's not a big deal that Jongin doesn't see them much.  
  
He really tries to believe it isn't.  
  
What makes living alone bearable though is that Jongin gets to hide himself. Because these days, or well, these past few years, Jongin hasn't felt like himself.  
  
Like how he's supposed to love school and how he's supposed to enjoy these tutoring sessions his parents make him go to for extra classes that he needs when he finally enters university. Or how he's being trained to familiarize the workings of the family business so it'll be easy for him to take charge one day.  
  
Or how he's supposed to act like a teenager. To enjoy flirting with girls and ditching school. To sleep over at his best friend's house to watch late night movies but ends up watching something else they're not allowed to.  
  
No. Jongin doesn't enjoy these.  
  
Jongin doesn't like school. He hates it. He dreads going to classes and sit there for hours staring blankly at the board. He doesn't like his tutoring sessions because they give him headaches. He doesn't like ditching either because he doesn't want to get into trouble. Nor does he like the things Sehun has him watch because Jongin doesn't seem to find them entertaining.  
  
And well...  
  
Well, Jongin doesn't like girls.  
  
He doesn't know why.  
  
Jongin doesn't think about girls the way Sehun does. Sehun thinks girls are amazing, and how they're cute and pretty and how it'd be fun to take them out to the movies. Jongin agrees that the girls in his school do look cute and pretty. But he doesn't think it would be fun if he took them out on dates when he doesn't feel that way about them.  
  
Sehun doesn't know that he thinks about girls differently. In fact, no one knows. Jongin doesn't know when he started to feel that way but it must be that time when his father took in a new employee five years ago and introduced him to Jongin.  
  
 _"Jonginnie, this is Kim Minseok. My new secretary. "_  
  
Twelve year old Jonginnie wasn't aware then that he had blushed at how the twenty two year old man crouched down to meet his eyes, his face all sorts of handsome and beautiful and pretty, cheeks bunched up making his eyes disappear as he smiled such a sweet looking smile at him and stretched his hand out for Jongin to shake.  
  
 _"It's a pleasure to meet you, Jongin."_  
  
Jongin had bowed deeply before shaking his hand like his father had taught him whenever he’s introduced to the people at his father's company. But for Mr. Kim Minseok, Jongin had bowed and kept his head down a little longer than usual because he couldn't find it in him to look at this man properly even if he does find him all sorts of handsome and beautiful and pretty.  
  
 _"It's nice to meet you too, Mr. Kim."_ Jongin had replied quietly.  
  
 _"Please,"_ Minseok had said, _"Call me hyung."_  
  
That was the only time Jongin remembered how things have changed. Because he doesn't see girls the way he sees Mr. Kim Minseok. Mr. Kim Minseok who is in charge of handling all the household transactions while his parents are away. Mr. Kim Minseok who Jongin sees almost every single day to check up on him. Mr. Kim Minseok who looks handsome in his suit and when he gets in and out of his car and drives. Mr. Kim Minseok who makes Jongin feel all flustered and confused.  
  
It should be normal, how he doesn't feel like himself. He _is_ a teenager. He should be allowed to hate the world, feel differently about everything else and hide himself.  
  
But sometimes... Jongin wonders if being himself is wrong.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
If there's one thing Jongin likes aside from Mr. Kim Minseok, it's dancing.  
  
Jongin loves dancing. He loves how he feels when he moves. It doesn't matter if it's a fast paced song or a slow one, Jongin's body will move gracefully and naturally to it. His dance classes are the only classes that he likes and the only thing that's still making him look forward to attending school. If his dance classes weren't a part of his curriculum, he'd probably find a way to get out of school by now or have his parents transfer him to an institution that has them.  
  
His teachers call him a natural. They say that when Jongin dances, it's as if he comes alive. He feels alive when he dances. He likes how it feels to move about the room or the stage, the beat drawing him in and making his body feel all that adrenaline. Jongin doesn't even care about what the audience even thinks when they see him dance. Jongin doesn't have stage fright either. Because Jongin dances for _himself_. He loves it.  
  
But it would be a lie to say that he doesn't care what the audience thinks completely. Because if there's someone who Jongin wishes can see what he does, whose comments and criticism he would appreciate, it would be his parents. His parents who haven't seen him on stage at all, who don't even know that their son is a very talented performer and who shines the brightest when he's on stage.  
  
But his parents wouldn't appreciate it. Because he overheard them talking about one of their employees who resigned from the company to put up a business. A dance studio. _It’s such a shame,_ his mother had said. _He was such a good addition to the marketing team._ His father agreed. _I hope life won't be too hard on him. Everyone knows how dancing won't get you anywhere._  
  
Jongin had turned around from where he stood and left his father's office, muttering a small apology at almost crashing into Mr. Kim Minseok who had just arrived.  
  
Those are two things he likes now that are probably wrong.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
"Friday next week?" Jongin says on the phone as he rolls to his stomach on his bed. "I can't."  
  
"Why not?" Sehun whines on the other end of the line. "It's not like you'll be alone. I got you a date too. Soojung said Jinri is coming and you know Jinri. You _like_ Jinri."  
  
Jongin cringes at that as he throws his socks across the room, aiming them perfectly at his laundry basket.  
  
"Just because I said I like how she puts her hair up that one time doesn't mean I _like her_ like her."  
  
"It doesn't matter," Sehun argues back. "You like her hair. That's good enough."  
  
Jongin rolls onto his back this time and even if he's alone, he can't help but lower his voice. "I can't because I have that huge dance performance coming."  
  
Jongin stares at his door as if someone would burst in any minute and start accusing him of going behind his parents' back. He's getting a little edgy these days when he talks about his performance. As if this could reach his parents and they'd make him drop those classes or transfer him to another school just days before this event is coming up.  
  
"Isn't that on a Saturday?"  
  
"I need all the practice time I can get," Jongin lies. He hates it when he lies to Sehun. Sehun never lies to him. But Jongin has to if he wants to get out of this double date he set him up with.  
  
"Alright, fine. But I'm bringing Soojung and Jinri to watch you dance on that night."  
  
Jongin is okay with that.  
  
Jongin sits up and runs his hands through his hair. He's alone today. As always. The helpers are somewhere downstairs and Jongin is left alone until he is called for dinner. He doesn't mind it these days. These days, being left alone is something he uses to his advantage because he gets to lock his bedroom doors, play the song he's going to use for his performance and practice until he won't be able to feel his feet.  
  
Jongin hops off from his bed and strides towards his speakers. Setting his player to the track he wants, Jongin taps on the play button when someone knocks on his door.  
  
"Who is it?" Jongin calls out, lowering the volume.  
  
"It's Minseok."  
  
It's been five years since Minseok has come to to work for his father, five years of Minseok coming in and out of Jongin's house, five years of practically growing up with him around. But still, no matter how long Jongin has seen Minseok around, his cheeks never fail to turn red and his chest always skips a beat every single time he sees him.  
  
And for five years, Jongin has tried his hardest to will it away, to keep himself from flushing and to steady his heart beat at the sight of him to no avail.  
  
He's greeted with a pink box wrapped in glittery white ribbons when Jongin opens the door. Jongin leans back and blinks a couple of times to let his eyes focus at what he's seeing when the box is lowered revealing Minseok in a suit and smiling at him.  
  
Jongin isn't sure what's blinding him anymore as he continues to blink back.  
  
"Happy Birthday," Minseok greets and Jongin takes the box from him, bowing down politely as usual. Just like he was trained since he was a kid. Just so Minseok doesn't get to see the tint of red in his cheeks instantly.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Kim."  
  
Minseok frowns as he hears this. Because it's been five years and Jongin still calls him Mr. Kim.  
  
"When are you going to drop the Mr. Kim and just call me _hyung_?"  
  
Jongin thinks never but he doesn't say it out loud. He doesn't want to have that kind of conversation again. And besides, calling Minseok _hyung_ would just get him to feed his fantasies that are mostly inappropriate. He's seventeen. He's a man. He can't think of Minseok that way.  
  
"Um, thanks. My birthday was a week ago."  
  
Minseok's hand comes up to rub the back of his neck.  
  
"Yeah, I know. And I'm sorry. I've been busy with meetings the past week and-"  
  
Jongin's eyes widen. "Oh no no no. I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't trying to say how- I didn't mean to say- I... " Jongin doesn't know why he even felt the need to point that out. That his birthday was a week ago. Sure he was hoping Mr. Kim Minseok would greet him at midnight. He even waited up until two in the morning for a text. But he hadn't received any and that was alright. He didn't want to say anything about it that would make Minseok feel guilty for not remembering when Minseok has always remembered his birthday. Jongin doesn't want him to feel compelled to give him something or make up for it from now on with what he said. Minseok doesn't think of him all the time like Jongin does.  
  
In the end, Jongin mentally smacks himself and sighs. "Forget it. Just, thanks."  
  
Minseok doesn't seem to be bothered about this.  
  
"Do you want to go eat it now?"  
  
Jongin stares at the box in confusion.  
  
"It's cake," Minseok points out. "Because I know you already finished your birthday cake by now and you never share."  
  
"What? I share!" Jongin sputters. "You just weren't there and if I won't eat it, it's going to be a week old cake by now-"  
  
"Kidding," Minseok grins, those cheeks hiding his eyes and Jongin feels his heart hammer against his chest. He hates how Minseok always gets him like this.  
  
"Now come on. I'm hungry."  
  
Meals with Minseok are always uncomfortable for Jongin. No matter how hungry he is, eating with Minseok means Jongin trying hard not to stare at him. Because Minseok's face is distracting and Jongin still hasn't mastered the art of not being distracted by his eyes and his lips and the bridge of his nose and his cheeks.  
  
Kim Minseok doesn't look like his age. Five years ago he might but Jongin thinks that's when he stopped ageing.  
  
The first time Jongin saw Minseok, he was just a little taller than Jongin and all round chubby cheeks and hair long, his fringe almost covering his eyes even if it’s all swept to the side of his face. He was twenty-two then and just fresh out of university. He was an intern at his father's company and his father absorbed him in when he saw how hard working he was. Jongin's mother likes Minseok. She told Jongin that one day so it wasn't a surprise when his parents made him handle even their household transactions. They trust him.  
  
Now, Minseok is even more attractive with the way he dresses himself and styles his hair. He may have lost all that baby fat that Jongin was sad to see gone but he was rewarded with lean muscles and an even sharp yet sweet looking smile. Because Jongin walked in on him changing once when Minseok had slept over at their house to pull an all-nighter. And Jongin almost tripped on the way out when he saw what was beneath the suit he always wears and had sworn under his breath for the first time in his life.  
  
And it's not just that. It's everything else. Minseok is nice to him and helps him with his homework even if Jongin doesn't ask. Minseok picks him up from school when the driver is off busy with errands for his mother. Minseok talks to him and that alone is enough because no one talks to Jongin that much aside from Sehun.  
  
Jongin tries not to let whatever he feels about Mr. Kim get to him. He takes pride in the fact that at seventeen, he's now taller than Minseok, voice deeper, shoulders more broader and his palms larger, that he takes his size as a consolation to what Minseok always does to him. How he makes him feel small. A kid.  
  
Minseok is the reason why Jongin wants to grow up fast.  
  
Jongin likes the cake Minseok brought for him. But he can't seem to appreciate the strawberry and the vanilla when Minseok keeps on talking to him and all he hears is how lovely Minseok's voice sounds. It's entrancing how Minseok talks and Jongin is left helpless to it whenever he does so.  
  
He does get to snap back to reality when Minseok hands him his birthday present (because the cake wasn't the actual gift) and he sees it's the video game he has been eyeing for months. Jongin is thrilled to have it and in his excitement, says something as a joke.  
  
"You must really love me so much."  
  
Minseok grins cheekily at him.  
  
"I do."  
  
Jongin knows Minseok meant that as a joke as well.  
  
But every now and then, he imagines that Minseok really does.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
If there's one person who Jongin thinks would understand him the most, it's Minseok.  
  
His parents would never understand it if they found out why he's... Why he doesn't like girls. Why Jongin just doesn't think about them like how a boy his age would usually do. How Jongin doesn't find his heart racing or his cheeks flush when girls eye him at the corridors or when they ask Jongin for his number at a party.  
  
Sehun wouldn't either. He may be his best friend but Jongin knows Sehun would never understand if he tells him what he thinks about Mr. Kim Minseok. How Jongin thinks Minseok looks nice in a couple of jeans and a t-shirt rather than in his suit sometimes. Or how Jongin likes the smell of Minseok's cologne and how he thinks Minseok with his hair up makes him look more handsome. Sehun would think he's weird and Jongin wouldn't want to lose Sehun. Sehun is his only friend so he keeps this stuff, this stuff that seems wrong, to himself.  
  
But Minseok, Jongin knows Minseok will understand. Because Jongin knows Minseok is like him.  
  
He found out when Jongin went to visit his father's office and he wanted to see where Minseok worked. He was thirteen and curious and still smitten at the handsome secretary his father hired.  
  
He remembers asking his father if he can look around and he allowed him to provided that Jongin doesn't bother his employees. Jongin promised and immediately went around to look for him.  
  
He finds Minseok a couple of minutes later in his office, pressed against the shelves with his hands on someone's waist. Someone Jongin recognizes as he stares through the small gap by the door as another one of his father's employees. Mr. Lu, he remembers. Mr. Lu is easy to remember. Because Mr. Lu is nice and always slips him candy when he comes over to his house and always seems interested when he asks him how was school.  
  
But at that moment, Mr. Lu didn't look nice. Mr. Lu looked dazed yet there was an intense expression on his face when Minseok kissed him back roughly, his leg already hooked around the other's waist, hips meeting and grinding and both their bodies so in sync. Minseok's shirt is untucked while Mr. Lu's tie was already loose and Jongin, even if he knows he should turn around and leave, stands there and stares through that small opening and observes how Minseok kisses. Because Minseok's kisses seems addicting judging by how Mr. Lu keeps on gasping as his lips travel down his neck. Jongin finds Minseok's lips small and thin but he thinks that doesn't matter because Mr. Lu seems to find it perfect with the way he's sucking hard on it.  
  
Jongin had kept to his father's words that day and didn't bother them.  
  
It was the first time he saw two people - two men - kissing and it looked nice.  
  
And that's how Jongin knows Minseok would understand him the most.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Jongin is with his tutor when Minseok drops by and tells him his father and mother are coming home. That thing they have in Japan was re-scheduled and they're coming home in a few days.  
  
"Would you like to talk to them?" Minseok asks, handing him the private work phone he uses when he wants to contact his parents and Jongin thanks him as he excuses himself to the living room.  
  
"We're taking an afternoon flight so we'll be there on Saturday evening," His father says.  
  
Saturday evening.  
  
"Can you drop by my school?" Jongin asks nervously and he's both excited and anxious as he grips the phone tight. "There's... There's something I have to show you."  
  
An image of the stage fills Jongin's head, bright lights shining down on him as he comes alive on stage. He imagines his mother and father's surprised faces up front while they watch him dance. He imagines them watching in awe when they see what he can do. And when Jongin finishes, when he bows deeply at the audience, he sees their beaming faces and how proud they are to have a talented son like him and that they won't think of dancing as something that won't get him anywhere.  
  
They say yes without asking why.  
  
Jongin can't stop smiling as he hands the phone back to Minseok.  
  
"I take it that was some good news?"  
  
Jongin nods, hiding how his skin tingled when their fingertips met.  
  
Yes. Yes, his parents coming home on Saturday evening was indeed good news.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
The days leading up to his performance are both nerve-wracking and stressful.  
  
Jongin practices every chance he gets. During dance classes, after school, before he sleeps and right after he wakes up. Jongin doesn't actually need to practice. He knows most of the choreography by now and can do them in his sleep. But the thought of his parents being there makes Jongin want to perfect everything. He's scared that even a single flaw, a single miscalculated step would have his parents think of dancing as not enough.  
  
It doesn't help how Minseok checks up on him a lot too. Jongin should be used to it by now since Minseok always does this. He's practically Jongin's legal guardian when his parents are away and he's allowed to keep tabs on him. But he's already on edge and Minseok's presence is distracting. Jongin finds himself distracted while he dances with thoughts of Minseok feeling concerned about him, why Jongin locks himself up in his room all the time or why he looks tired in the morning. Jongin is lost in the music while he thinks of Minseok finding out what he does and starts seeing him in a different light. He'll see him as handsome, beautiful. And Minseok won't be able to take it as he presses Jongin up on the wall like how Mr. Lu had done to him all those years ago. How Minseok will kiss him, his small hands curled around Jongin's shirt as he tugs him down for his lips to meet his. Jongin's hands will slide down Minseok's thighs and Jongin will finally get to kiss him back and taste those lips he always thought about kissing for years.  
  
And Jongin always collapses on the floor all sweaty, breathing in and out heavily as the music and those thoughts fade away.  
  
He has dreams. He has nightmares.  
  
They're all jumbled in his head that Jongin just hopes he doesn't mess up.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
It's the night of the performance and Jongin can't stop sweating.  
  
"Would you relax?" Sehun says to him, handing him a piece of tissue. "You look like you're glistening."  
  
Jongin half whines and groans at this and the make up artist by his side dabs at his cheek.  
  
"He's right, Jonginnie," She says and Jongin cringes at the pet name. "You're going to be fine."  
  
Jongin nods. He believes that. He's going to be fine. This is dancing. This is something he's good at. He'll be okay.  
  
"Soojung, Jinri and I are seated on the fourth row," Sehun says before he leaves him because the dressing room is getting more crowded with the different performers getting ready. "Good luck."  
  
Luck. Jongin wonders if he needs it.  
  
He's the last performer for the night so Jongin spends an hour sitting uncomfortably as he waits for his turn. Performers are not allowed near the stage so Jongin can't check where his parents are seated. Would they be surprised? Would they be angry? Jongin is nervous as he tries to get through the hour.  
  
When his turn is up, all his nerves have gone haywire and Jongin's legs feel like rubber. There's so much adrenaline coursing through his body that when he steps up on stage, he almost trips. But the lights are dim and thank God no one can see him yet.  
  
He doesn't look at the audience when the song starts and a single spotlight shines at him. Nor does he sweep his eyes through the crowd when he dances. Dancing, for Jongin, is not only seen through the way he moves his limbs and his body but at what his facial expressions convey. His eyes focus on what the music makes him feel, parting his lips ever so often. Jongin's joints gradually relax, forgetting about being nervous.  
  
Jongin feels himself come alive while he performs and even if he did spend a lot of time practicing, he tries not to let moves that seem robotic engulf him. He dances as if dancing is the only way he can breathe, as if dancing is the only way he can talk and feel. He dances to communicate and express and when the music ends, when the lights finally fill up the place, Jongin smiles and beams at the crowd that's applauding for him for he knows they all understood what art is all about.  
  
He sees Sehun waving at him and smiling back, clapping along with the audience. Soojung is beside him looking very impressed. Jinri too with her hair up, her eyes crinkling in delight when Jongin's eyes meet hers.  
  
But there's no sign of the two people Jongin hoped would be there today. Those two people that Jongin wanted so desperately to see what he can do for he can never say what he feels about dancing in words.  
  
He learns later that evening that that their meeting went on as scheduled and that they'll arrive next week instead.  
  
Jongin tries his best that night not to let his smile falter on stage.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Jongin wasn't drunk when he hung out with Sehun, Soojung and Jinri after the show. The four of them went out for pizza and even if Sehun managed to slip them some drinks he brought in and Jongin allowed him to spike his soda, he was still alright.  
  
Jongin wasn't drunk when they took Soojung and Jinri home. While they walked away after seeing them to the door, Sehun had thrown his arm around him and said that they should finish the last of the vodka he brought and even if Jongin didn't really want to because there wasn't any soda to hide the taste of vodka anymore, he said yes.  
  
Jongin wasn't drunk when he went home but he was a little tipsy when he waved hi and spoke a little too loudly at the security before he trudged up his house. The helpers were kind enough not to ask why he smells like he had been drinking and left him to himself since it isn't their business to pry and Jongin just went past them to his father's study.  
  
Jongin only felt like he was truly drunk when he was halfway finished with one of his father's finest liquor bottle that he had managed to find at his father's study. He never really liked drinking, the taste of alcoholic beverages like the ones his father likes always makes him feel like his chest is on fire. But tonight is an exception. Jongin has this really painful ache in his chest and he thinks that sending it on fire would make the pain go away.  
  
And then Jongin doesn't remember anything anymore.  
  
He doesn't remember crying silently on the floor then laughing as he realizes he will always be alone. He doesn't remember dancing sluggishly around the living room and then giggling as he re-enacts his performance that night. He isn't aware that he climbed up the stairs to Mr. Kim Minseok's room, the one he uses when he stays over some times when he gets caught up in work, so he can sleep in his bed and Jongin can just smell the sheets, smell Minseok's presence as he cries and laughs himself to sleep. Because he does this sometimes when Minseok is away and he has one of those awful days and somehow, Minseok's scent always makes him fall asleep better.  
  
He doesn't remember finding Minseok sitting up in bed, surprised to find Jongin entering his room smelling strongly of liquor and listening to Jongin tell him things he has been hiding from him in the last five years. How Jongin thinks Minseok has this really sweet and sharp smile and what he thinks about him in the shower. How Minseok's eyes are beautiful and pretty and that's why Jongin always has a hard time looking at him. Why he can never call Minseok _hyung_ because it makes things easier if he has to draw a line between them. How Minseok should take him away from here because being a kid hurts, being an only son whose parents don't even notice him hurts and that Minseok is the only one who has always given him attention.  
  
Jongin doesn't remember anything even when he passes out, crying in Minseok's arms.

* * *

  
  


Jongin wakes up with a headache. A very bad, very throbbing headache. He wakes up clutching at his head, eyes squeezed shut because anything bright makes him feel like his head is about to split open.  
  
He rolls to his stomach, because he wants to bury his face under his pillow in the hopes that he can go back to sleep when he smells Minseok's scent on the blankets.  
  
Even if he does feel like his head is about to burst if he opens his eyes, he still does so because he's confused. Minseok's comforting smell is on his sheets. His sheets have never smelled like this. And come to think of it, why does everything smell pleasantly like Kim Minseok? Why are his sheets blue when yesterday they were white? Why is his room suddenly smaller, walls a different color, dresser shaped differently-  
  
Jongin gasps, sitting upright so suddenly when he realizes where he is and remembers what happened.  
  
 _"Jongin? Jongin, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Kim Minseok shiiiii..."  
  
"Jongin, do you have any idea what time it is- Are you drunk?  
  
"Kim Minseok-shiiiii~ I... I like you."  
  
"Jongin..."  
  
"I like you. I liked you since I was twelve."  
  
"Jonginnie..."  
  
"Stop it. Stop it! Don't call me Jonginnie. I hate it when people call me Jonginnie. I'm not a kid..."  
  
"I'm sorry, Jongin. I won't call you that anymore."  
  
"I'm not a kid." Hiccups. "I'm a man."  
  
"Yes, you are. Now let me help you get to your room-"  
  
"I'm a man, Kim Minseok-shi... But why do people treat me like a kid?"  
  
"... Jongin,"  
  
"And that's not the only thing... I'm a man but why... Why do I like you?"_  
  
Jongin swears his head has indeed split open and so is his skin because he feels too hot and too exposed. He clambers off of Minseok's bed, cursing at how his timing couldn't be more perfect, that Minseok just had to stay over of all nights.  
  
He grabs his shoes that he hadn't managed to take off when he arrived last night when he wonders where Minseok is, all the while scrambling to get out of there just in case he returns and he's answered by the sound of shower curtains opening from the bathroom.  
  
Jongin's eyes widen, heart beating furiously as he quickly rushes out of there. But he's not fast enough when the bathroom door opens and he hears Minseok call out to him.  
  
"Jongin- wait!"  
  
Jongin doesn't look back and he bolts out of there and rushes to his own room which is just two doors down from where Minseok stays. He feels like he's naked, stripped from everything he has been trying to hide and he's trembling when he reaches his room, leaning against the doors and locking it so no one - Minseok - can get inside.  
  
He's scared. Jongin doesn't know what to do. He wants to blame someone for all this. He wants to blame Sehun for making him drink. Or his dance performance for keeping him on edge. Or his parents for never being there. If they just came and saw Jongin, he wouldn't have gotten drunk. He wouldn't have gotten hurt. He wouldn't have told Kim Minseok everything.  
  
He wouldn't have to feel so naked.  
  
But Jongin has no one to blame. Only himself and his bottom lip quivers both in misery, humiliation and in fear.  
  
"Jongin?"  
  
Jongin turns around and stares at the door in horror when Minseok suddenly starts knocking.  
  
"Jongin? Open up. It's Minseok."  
  
As if Jongin wouldn't be able to recognize his voice.  
  
Jongin just continues to stare at the door and his arms wrap around himself.  
  
"Jongin," Minseok continues to knock and the doorknob jiggles as he tries that too. "Jongin, can you please let me in? I want to talk to you."  
  
Jongin shakes his head. He never wants to talk to Minseok again.  
  
The knocking dies down after a while and Jongin's tight hold he has on himself loosens. He hasn't moved from his spot. He's still too scared. He wishes he can run away for real now because there's nothing left of himself to hide anymore.  
  
But it turns out Minseok is a persistent man and Jongin can only stare at him in disbelief as the door opens revealing Minseok with a key in his hold.  
  
"Don't lock yourself in like that next time," Minseok reprimands him as he walks over to Jongin that's backing away from him. Minseok looks like he got dressed in a hurry. He has his suit pants on and his dress shirt but it's halfway unbuttoned and half tucked. He's barefoot and the tips of his hair is still wet and Jongin is suddenly dizzy as Minseok corners him. Minseok is so so beautiful with his cheeks flushed from the shower and Jongin is so scared of him.  
  
"What happened last night?" Minseok asks- demands. He's angry and Jongin is scared of that too because he has never seen Minseok angry. "The driver told me you were going to sleep over at Sehun's place and you come home at one in the morning drunk."  
  
"I- I'm sorry," Jongin stammers, unable to look at Minseok in the eye. "I didn't mean to lie-"  
  
A hand tips his chin up and Jongin sees Minseok study him.  
  
"Were you hurt? How did you get home? Fuck, Jongin if you had gotten hurt last night..."  
  
That was the first time Jongin ever heard Kim Minseok curse and he shrinks back because he doesn't like how he's the reason that Minseok would curse.  
  
But, at the same time... Jongin feels all warm, the headache he has slowly dying down. Minseok was worried. He's sorry for making him worry but someone was worried about him. Minseok was worried about him.  
  
"No. I... Sehun- Sehun's house wasn't that far and it wasn't a long walk from here..."  
  
Jongin swallows hard when Minseok finally takes a step back, giving him room to breathe.  
  
"Sit down."  
  
Jongin nods, sitting down obediently on his bed as Minseok takes something from his pocket and hands it to him.  
  
"I doubt you've ever had a hangover so here. It's aspirin." Minseok then gives him a look that has Jongin lower his head. "And you call me. The next time you decide to become a reckless teenager, you call me."  
  
Jongin feels those words sting when he always tries not to become a reckless teenager. But he doesn't even deny that when he's fully aware of what he has done.  
  
Minseok sits down beside him, sighing and Jongin really really feels bad about making him worry. Minseok has always taken care of him and this is how Jongin repays him by almost getting hurt last night.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Jongin nods.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
Jongin nods again.  
  
"Okay. Now that you're good, do you mind telling me what was that all about last night?"  
  
Jongin freezes. Last night. He almost forgot the other kind of shit he did last night.  
  
"Hey," Minseok says to him and Jongin knows that he must have shrunk even further down from where he's sitting. Jongin can't breathe, his lungs feel like they're being squeezed tight into his ribs.  
  
"I'm sorry," Jongin says because he doesn't know what else to say. What else is he supposed to say? He doesn't know whose fault is it why he's... Or how his preferences are different. So he says sorry. Because this is wrong and it's Jongin's fault for being this way.  
  
"I'm really really sorry."  
  
"Jongin, it's alright."  
  
"No, it's not. It's not alright-"  
  
"What is? To like me or to like another man?" Minseok's reply has Jongin look at him. He's stunned that Minseok knows what he means.  
  
 _Kim Minseok-shiiii~... I... I like you.  
  
I'm a man but why... Why do I like you?_  
  
Jongin shakes his head. He can't decide.  
  
"You pick for me," Jongin answers in a low voice. Yes, that should be better. Minseok should decide for him. Because he doesn't know what would be better or worse. What would make things right.  
  
Minseok doesn't seem to have a reply for him and Jongin looks at him again, wondering why he isn't answering.  
  
Minseok gives him a small smile when they're eyes meet.  
  
"You can't like me then."  
  
Jongin blinks back. That wasn't the answer he was hoping for.  
  
"Why not? You and I are the same..."  
  
Jongin clamps down on his bottom lip when he sees Minseok raise his eyes at him.  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
Jongin lowers his head again and replies in a small voice.  
  
"I saw you and Mr. Lu before..."  
  
He doesn't look at Minseok right after that. Was it wrong to find out? Is Minseok ashamed of it? Will Minseok get mad at him?  
  
"You can't like me." Minseok ends up saying and Jongin looks back at him again wondering why.  
  
Minseok turns to him. "I'm too old for you."  
  
This makes Jongin frown.  
  
"I'll be eighteen next year." He speaks up.  
  
"That doesn't change anything."  
  
Jongin wonders why that is.  
  
Minseok not wanting him to like him is understandable. Minseok obviously sees him as a kid and there is nothing Jongin can do about it. He did get himself into trouble last night. That's his fault for letting Minseok see him as such.  
  
But if he turns into a man next year, and Jongin has plans of being a man capable of seeing to his responsibilities by then, why wouldn't Minseok still like him?  
  
Unless-  
  
"You don't like me," Jongin breathes out this sudden realization. Minseok doesn't like him. He never did.  
  
"I like you," Minseok says, patting his lap and making Jongin look at him. And Jongin does look at him to see him smiling. "I like you. I think you're a great person. I think you're beautiful and believe me when I say that. I've watched you grow into a handsome and beautiful person inside and out. I care a lot about what happens to you."  
  
"Then why don't you want me to like you?"  
  
Minseok’s smile slowly turns into something else and Jongin sees that the look he's giving him somehow resembles that of the people around him when they see Jongin as an only child, when his teachers are reluctant to hand over his PTA letters to give to his parents or when they invite him to join those family day outings.  
  
Minseok is looking back at him sympathetically.  
  
The sound of a phone ringing makes Jongin look away from Minseok as the latter stands up to head out of his room to take the call.  
  
"It's your father," Minseok says to him. "Do you want to talk to him?"  
  
Jongin shakes his head. Minseok only nods at him in reply and heads out the door.  
  
Jongin lies down on the bed and closes his eyes. His headache is still there, pounding away at him and he turns to bury his face under the pillow.  
  
This time, the sheets don't smell like Minseok anymore and for the first time in years, Jongin finds that comforting.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Sehun is Jongin's best friend for a lot of reasons and one of them is because Sehun knows the best ways to keep Jongin distracted.  
  
When Jongin wants to get away from being lonely, Sehun knows just how to keep him occupied. Whether they head off to the arcade or just hang out at the bbq place downtown, Sehun makes sure Jongin is having a great time with him, talking and laughing about nonsense stuff and things that don't require him to think at all. And the best part is, Sehun doesn't ask him what's wrong. He just knows.  
  
So it isn't a surprise when Sehun drags him to the arcade after school to see if Jongin can finally beat his ass at one of the games Sehun is always good at. Sehun must've noticed how he always slumps in his seat at class or how he picks at his food during lunch and Jongin is thankful his best friend knows what to do to him because Jongin doesn't know what to do with himself. It's been a week since that conversation with Minseok happened and he has done nothing but brood.  
  
He hates how he feels and he hates how it's been a week and it still hasn't passed. It should've by now. Jongin thinks this thing, this crush, should be able to fade away now that he was rejected. But it's still there and Jongin doesn't know what to do with it.  
  
How does one get rid of a crush? Jongin wonders as he furiously punches in the buttons while Sehun laughs as he does the same thing beside him.  
  
Minseok still comes in and out of Jongin's house as if nothing has happened. As if Jongin telling him how he saw him in the last five years wasn't a big deal. Maybe to him, it isn't, Jongin huffs as he beats Sehun's character up. But to Jongin, five years of watching Minseok, of dreaming about him was enough to consume his life.  
  
But it's also kind of Jongin's fault that Minseok hasn't talked to him about their last conversation at all when Jongin keeps on hiding and running away from him. Minseok may have the key to his room but he never used it again after that day he barged in. Jongin would eat his meals really quick so he can go back to his room and whenever he sees Minseok around, Jongin just takes a subtle detour to avoid him. But still, Jongin had hoped Minseok would just corner him again and force him to talk about it because Jongin is too scared to do that himself.  
  
After about spending two hours at the arcade, they finally head home because Sehun's mom has been calling her son non stop and Sehun, even if he is more of a troublemaker than Jongin, doesn't want to get yelled at some more.  
  
He spots Minseok and Mr. Lu outside, leaning against the car doors. Mr. Lu Han usually accompanies Minseok when they carry important files to and from Jongin's father's office and back to the house. This is one of those days so Jongin isn't surprised to see them together.  
  
Mr. Lu is just like Minseok. They both don't look their age. At twenty-seven, they still look like they're fresh out of university and not working nine to five and in charge of top departments at a multinational company. Mr. Lu differs from Minseok in a lot of ways. Where Minseok is silent, Mr. Lu is chatty. Where Minseok is all lean muscle and somehow intimidating in that sweet kind of way, Mr. Lu is small and petite and bright and cheerful. Both are good looking and charming in their own ways and both have been together ever since Jongin saw them through that small opening in the door.  
  
Jongin thinks maybe that's why Minseok likes him or why Mr. Lu likes him back. They do look good together.  
  
But even though they are together, Jongin can't quite figure them out. They kissed. But Minseok didn't seem to mind when Mr. Lu was picked up by a guy that one time Jongin came to visit his father's office again. Mr. Lu had called him Yixing and Minseok had just laughed at them, waving a goodbye when Yixing grabbed Mr. Lu and pulled him close for a kiss.  
  
And Jongin always thought that Minseok was just available leading him to think he always had a shot with him.  
  
From afar, Jongin catches a puff of smoke in the air and he stops in his tracks to find that it's coming from Minseok. Jongin knows Minseok used to smoke. He quit when Jongin was fourteen saying he wanted to start living a healthy lifestyle. Jongin wonders when he began to smoke again and he stands there, hidden by one of the vans as he stares at them. Minseok has his head tipped back, enjoying his smoke while Mr. Lu is playing with his phone.  
  
"I beat your new high score." Mr. Lu smirks at Minseok as he tosses his phone to him. "Try to top that."  
  
Minseok catches it with a grunt as it lands near his stomach. "Luhan, would you please be careful with this at least?"  
  
Mr. Lu grins back at him and Jongin knows that Minseok is used to him being careless.  
  
"So what's up with you?" Mr. Lu asks. Jongin shuffles his feet from where he stands as he listens in on them.  
  
"Why? What's up with me?" Comes Minseok's reply. Another long drag and Jongin sees Minseok close his eyes as he exhales.  
  
"You're smoking again."  
  
Silence fills the two of them while Jongin picks on his nails.  
  
"You know the kid... Jongin?"  
  
Kid. Jongin doesn't even feel bad about this anymore.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"He told me he likes me."  
  
Jongin looks at Mr. Lu intently, wondering if he'll laugh at him. He's a little miffed that Minseok would tell him that when it's obviously a secret, one that Jongin finds it hard to keep. But he also knows how Mr. Lu won't tell because he's Minseok's friend.  
  
Mr. Lu stares at Minseok, amused and surprised.  
  
"Jongin is..."  
  
Minseok nods and Jongin's heart starts beating frantically.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Mr. Lu leans back on the car and whistles.  
  
"Wonder if President Kim knows."  
  
Minseok elbows him on the side and shoots him a look. "Don't."  
  
Mr. Lu raises his hands up. "I'm not going to say anything. I was just wondering."  
  
"Well don't. It's not our business to tell," Minseok says silently, throwing his cigarette butt on the ground and stepping on it before picking it up again and tossing it on the trash.  
  
"So the kid has a crush on you." Mr. Lu continues. "Everyone has a crush on you."  
  
Jongin knows that too. Most of the women over at his father's company has a thing for Mr. Kim Minseok.  
  
"I don't think it's just a crush."  
  
Mr. Lu looks at him. "How do you know?"  
  
It takes awhile for Minseok to reply and Jongin observes from a distance how he's trying to gather his thoughts before he starts.  
  
"Remember when we were in high school? Our history class teacher? Jung Yunho?"  
  
Mr. Lu gives a small laugh and a snort. "How could I forget? Mr. Jung was the only teacher who got you to finally pass history."  
  
Minseok nods, kicking at some pebble on the ground with his hands on his pockets.  
  
"And you used to stare at him a lot, made sure you got in to most of his classes until senior year, aced all his tests, stayed behind for extra credit even when you didn't need it." Mr. Lu smiles. "I remembered you almost ran away from home to stop his wedding... oh."  
  
Oh. Jongin stares at Minseok who has a nostalgic smile on his face but it suddenly disappears as he sighs.  
  
"I should've seen it," Minseok says. "I should've known this time..."  
  
"You couldn't have." Mr. Lu replies. "And now that you know, doesn't this make things easier for you to tell him that you don't think this is a good idea?"  
  
Minseok doesn't answer immediately.  
  
"I don't want to let the kid down too hard. I don't want to push him away either. He's a good kid."  
  
Jongin stares back at them. He listens for Mr. Lu's reply but there's none. Instead, Mr. Lu reaches down Minseok's pockets, takes out a stick from his pack of cigarettes and lights it for him.  
  
No one says anything after that.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
"I was kidding."  
  
Minseok blinks back at him from across his desk and Jongin wonders if this was indeed a good idea.  
  
Ever since Jongin overheard that conversation Minseok and Mr. Lu had, it was all Jongin could think about. Minseok seemed to be having a hard time dealing with Jongin's confession and Jongin doesn't want to give him a hard time. Who knew that a single confession like that would make Minseok think a lot and would even cause him to smoke again. Jongin has never wanted to be a burden to anyone especially to him.  
  
So Jongin decided to tell him it was a joke. It takes him another week to get his wits together. He dropped by his father's company, went to Minseok's office instead of waiting for him at home and here he is now, telling him that it was just a joke.  
  
"About that night," Jongin swallows and gives off a small laugh in the hopes that Minseok wouldn't see how uncomfortable he is. "It was a joke. I was just kidding."  
  
Minseok continues to look at him and Jongin is once again just blown away at how attractive he is sitting there in a suit behind his desk.  
  
"It didn't mean anything. I was just fooling around," Jongin adds. "I'm sorry if I caused any trouble because of it."  
  
Jongin bows and turns around. Minseok will buy it. Minseok has to buy it. So everything can go back to being the way it was and Jongin can just like him from afar.  
  
"Jongin,"  
  
Jongin stops in his tracks, one hand hovering on the doorknob. He doesn't turn around but he lets Minseok know he's listening. He always listens to Minseok.  
  
"You're a good kid."  
  
Minseok's voice is causing Jongin's skin to prickle everywhere.  
  
"But I wish you didn't have to lie. I can tell that you're lying."  
  
Jongin finds this funny.  
  
He doesn't dare laugh out loud though. Instead he replies,  
  
"Pretend that you're buying it then."  
  
Pretend. Jongin's good at that. He hopes Minseok will be as good as him too.  
  
"I will."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
For the next few months, Jongin tries to fit in more. He tries to become the teenager that is expected of him.  
  
His parents come home once a month and they stay for a few weeks before they leave again. And during those times, Jongin becomes the son that they're proud to have. Polite, respectful and studious Jongin. Jongin answers when he's asked and makes sure to eat his meals with them. He gets up promptly to accompany his father on his morning run and makes sure to read silently with his mother while they enjoy their afternoon tea. Jongin doesn't talk to them about dancing and how he feels about it.  
  
Jongin also goes on dates with Sehun as promised even if Sehun doesn't put him up to it. They go out with Soojung and Jinri a couple of times until Jinri is bored with him. Jongin goes out with Seulgi until she dumps him for not making enough effort. Jongin ditches class with Sehun and doesn't get caught. Jongin watches the video links Sehun gives him, the one where people have scripted sex, and pretends it's very entertaining.  
  
Jongin doesn't think of Mr. Kim Minseok. He doesn't think of how wonderful his smile is when he greets Jongin in front of his parents or how dashing he looks at one of the company parties. He pretends that Minseok doesn't make him blush when he's in the same room as them, discussing about business matters with his father. He smiles and nods his head politely and answers when Minseok asks him how was school or how is Sehun these days.  
  
Jongin does not lie awake at night trying to dread tomorrow where he has to pretend all over again.  
  
He's good at being seventeen.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
There's another dance performance coming up and Jongin is invited once more because the teachers want him there. They say that Jongin brings the art into dancing and they want to showcase that more. They need people who are a natural at this at such a young age and, well, Jongin brings in the crowd.  
  
He doesn't invite anyone to come this time. Not even Sehun. And this time, he makes it his goal to dance on stage like he's never danced before because this time, no one is watching him.  
  
He can get lost in the dance sometimes and it's a wonderful feeling that Jongin craves for it again. To just be free because for the past few months he has been hiding under a shell. He looks forward to this dance performance like a man in need of air or sunlight after being trapped in a cave for so long. Because at least with dancing, it loves him back.  
  
Jongin's muscles flex and his joints get back to the routine of being used as he immerses himself at practicing again. He knows his performance is going to be better this time. Because he's not stressed about the important people in his life coming to watch him and spot every flaw. But he does spend most of his time cooped up in his room with the doors unlocked because sometimes he hopes his parents would walk in on him while he's lost in the music. But they never do.  
  
Unlike the night of the performance last time, Jongin isn't sweating. He's calm and actually sitting comfortably while he waits for his turn. He doesn't feel like he's sitting on needles nor is he shaking. He doesn't even trip when he walks up on stage. The only thing that's the same as last time is that Jongin's drive and passion to dance for himself is still there.  
  
It's the same choreography and the same song and the same stage. But Jongin's movements are somehow different. It's more free now. More relaxed. More emotional. He sinks himself into this three minute performance as a refuge from being away from himself for far too long.  
  
When it ends, he doesn't linger at the ground as he gives a deep bow. He instantly flashes a smile at the audience, one that's filled with how proud he feels at himself because he deserves all this applause and cheers. He deserves this kind of attention just for this night because it has been too long since people acknowledged his existence. Too long since he has been hiding who he is and he allows himself to be praised at because tomorrow and the rest of the days, he'll just be _Jonginnie_ again.  
  
He doesn't expect to see a familiar face among the crowd and it causes him to step back, smile slowly disappearing from his face. The man watching him has an astonished look on his face, a look that's proud of him and at what he did and how he's even surprised to see Jongin like this. A look that Jongin has always dreamed about to see in his father and mother's eyes. But it isn't his father or his mother that's clapping along with everyone else and beaming at him which makes all this seem like a nightmare.  
  
Jongin tears his eyes away from him and heads back stage. The thrill of the performance leaves him and his insides start churning because tonight was supposed to be a night where he can be himself and someone saw him. Someone found out about him and it wasn't even the people he wanted to be there.  
  
He makes his way towards one of the dressing rooms, the ones that aren't crowded so he can be alone and breathe when he enters and Jongin just stares at him in disbelief.  
  
Minseok claps, that sweet and sharp looking smile on his face as he beams at him and Jongin's stomach aches.  
  
"You didn't tell me you can dance like that," Minseok says. He's in his work suit so Jongin knows he must've come directly from the office. "That was amazing. _You_ were amazing!"  
  
The ache in Jongin's stomach travel upwards to his chest and his head.  
  
"How come you've never showed this to us before? Your mother and father would be so proud. I'll call them right now and- "  
  
That's when the hurt inside him turns to anger and Jongin strides towards him, takes the phone that Minseok just took from his pocket and throws it across the room.  
  
 _How dare he..._ How dare Minseok come to this. How dare Minseok see him in this state. The only time Jongin can be himself is when he dances and he needed this night for himself. How dare Minseok come and see him. Was it not enough to pretend that they're okay every single day they see each other? Was it not enough for Minseok to know _what_ he is? Did Minseok want to shed more of his skin and look at Jongin with everything spilled out in front of him?  
  
Maybe Minseok is out to get him.  
  
"My mother and father can come see me whenever they want," Jongin starts, bottom lip quivering as he speaks. "They're allowed to see me. But you..."  
  
Minseok has already seen everything of him. Jongin has no way to hide himself anymore.  
  
"Why are you doing this to me?" Jongin asks, voice cracking. "I thought we agreed to pretend."  
  
"Jongin," Minseok steps forward and even if Jongin wants to push him away, he doesn't. He lets Minseok cup his face and he feels like crying because why can't this be easy? Why can't he just be who he wants to be and be loved like how he wants to?  
  
 _Why can't Minseok like him?_  
  
"You promised to pretend," Jongin says, voice coming out in a sob and Minseok nods.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry. But it's hard. I care about you too much to just pretend that I can leave you alone."  
  
Jongin looks at him blearily.  
  
"Do you think it's easy for me to see you like this?" Minseok continues. "Do you think I don't care about how you look at me? Do you think I don't care about what you're doing with your life? I see you smile and I know that it's forced. I see you behave when your parents are around and I know you ditch classes when they're away. You think I don't keep tabs on you and not care?"  
  
Minseok's the one who's angry now and he takes a step back to run his hand through his hair.  
  
 _"Damn it Jongin,"_ Minseok seethes. "You're better than this. Stop making everything so hard."  
  
Jongin looks at him. Why is it so hard for _him_? If it's anyone who's making this hard, it's Minseok. Minseok who's perfect and who smiles the sweetest smile Jongin has ever seen. Minseok who makes him blush and make him feel important. Minseok who doesn't like him back and even if that's somehow okay, Minseok won't still leave him alone when he knows how Jongin feels. Minseok is the one that's making things hard.  
  
Unless Minseok means that...That it's hard for him because Jongin has that same effect on him too.  
  
In a bold move, one that Jongin didn't even spare a minute to think, Jongin comes up to Minseok and kisses him. It's easy because Minseok doesn't tower over him like how Jongin does. It's easy for Jongin's palms are larger than his and he can cup Minseok's face in his hands as he tilts his head up so their lips can touch. Minseok is twenty seven and Jongin is seventeen and they're both men but at that moment, Jongin feels like those things don't matter. That this is easy, _can_ be easy and it doesn't have to be a big deal.  
  
Jongin's eyes close when his lips touch Minseok's. Those small thin lips that Mr. Lu had once kissed. And he understands what Mr. Lu found addicting because Minseok's lips feel so good in his. It's nothing compared to what Jongin has ever tasted. Not that Jongin has ever kissed anyone at all. But he has always dreamed about kissing Minseok and it's nothing compared to this. Kissing Minseok feels like breathing and smiling and feeling happy all at once that Jongin is just left with his heart banging against his chest.  
  
Minseok's hands come to rest on Jongin's waist and Jongin's knees almost sink at how heavenly that feels. But it's short-lived when Minseok doesn't slide his hands down his thighs like he had expected him to. Instead, Minseok grips at his waist for him to stop and he pushes Jongin back softly, just enough for Jongin to look at him.  
  
"Stop..." Minseok murmurs, their noses touching as he looks at him. "We can't."  
  
Jongin nods, understanding what he means.  
  
"Not here then," He replies breathlessly. They can't do this when people can just walk in on them any time.  
  
"No, you don't understand," Minseok says, voice firm. "We really can't."  
  
It is then that Jongin takes a really good look at him and he sees how he was wrong. It's not easy.  
  
Because Minseok still doesn't like him back.  
  
Minseok's hands leave his waist and Jongin takes a step back. Humiliation washes over him all over again and he grabs his bag and bolts out the door. He doesn't hear Minseok call after him or chase after him. Jongin wouldn't want him to.  
  
He later realizes that Minseok hadn't kissed him back at all.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
It's Sehun's house he goes to because he can't go home. His parents are still there and he just sends them a text how he's sleeping over at Sehun's tonight.  
  
Sehun takes one good look at him standing outside his door and he doesn't say anything about how his eyes are red but drags him to his room. Jongin is glad his parents are already asleep so no one asks him why he's there.  
  
Sehun has him shower and change into his clothes and he throws the blankets over them when he gets into bed. Jongin starts crying again, softly, when Sehun hugs him from behind without even asking anything and he feels like a wimp. Men don't cry. Men don't run away. And here he is, crying because he feels hurt and confused and alone.  
  
It takes awhile for him to calm down and he turns to Sehun when he doesn't think he can cry any longer. His nose is all stuffed up anyway and he feels so numb.  
  
"Thanks," Jongin mutters and Sehun just frowns at him.  
  
"Are you going tell me what this is all about or am I going to have to beat someone up?"  
  
Jongin finds this ridiculous because Sehun is lazy and limp and weak and can never throw a punch. Jongin starts laughing and choking through his tears at the same time at the thought of Sehun beating someone up.  
  
"You know I never ask but this is getting really serious. You're crying."  
  
Jongin's laughter dies down and he takes a deep breath. Is this serious? Is heartbreak worth crying over? Is it worth telling Sehun who he is?  
  
Jongin tries to gather his words, wondering what to tell Sehun. He sorts out all of his problems, filters the ones he thinks he should keep or isn't a big deal. But in the end, even if he organizes his thoughts and what's actually hurting, he ends up with a single answer.  
  
"I'm gay," Jongin says quietly, summing up everything he feels is the problem. He looks anywhere but at Sehun. He feels like throwing up as those words leave him but it also feels like something is patting his back and making it feel like it's okay.  
  
Sehun sighs. "Don't you think I know that already?"  
  
Jongin looks at him wide eyed. Even in the darkness, Jongin can see that Sehun doesn't seem disgusted about this like he always thought people would be.  
  
"You-you know?" Jongin asks again and Sehun nods. "How can you..." Jongin is suddenly panicking. Does it show? Can people tell? "When?"  
  
"When you wouldn't even show any interest in the girls I match you up with and you get really uncomfortable watching straight porn," Sehun explains and Jongin somehow finds this a relief because it's just Sehun who knows.  
  
Jongin shifts uncomfortably in his hold.  
  
"Are-are you..."  
  
"No, I'm not going to stop being friends with you, you idiot," Sehun replies, pinching him lightly on the side to stop fidgeting.  
  
Jongin settles back into his hold, a thousand times relieved. He still feels like throwing up because it's been years since he has all this kept away for too long. But Sehun understands and he's not leaving him. Jongin isn't alone.  
  
"I'm sorry," Jongin breathes.  
  
"For what? For liking boys?"  
  
"For not telling you."  
  
"Yeah," Sehun agrees. "You should be sorry about that. Best friend, my ass."  
  
Jongin laughs softly at that as he tries to sleep now. His whole day has made him physically and emotionally exhausted.  
  
"Thanks for telling me," Sehun murmurs as he yawns. "I don't think I can beat up Mr. Kim Minseok anyway."  
  
Jongin isn't even surprised that Sehun knew who it was all along.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Minseok is the one who greets him by the door the minute he walks in his house. He comes up to Jongin close with his hands on his shoulders and peers at him because Jongin has his head lowered.  
  
There has been a dozen missed calls from him the moment Jongin woke up. It's frustrating how Minseok's concern about him gets Jongin to have all these delusions that Minseok cares and likes him when he doesn't.  
  
"I'm fine," Jongin says before Minseok can even ask. "No, I'm not hurt."  
  
Minseok looks back concerned still and Jongin hates how he doesn't look like him. That Minseok doesn't look like he cried all night or had his heart torn apart. Minseok looks handsome and composed as always and Jongin hates that his heart still flutters at his very presence.  
  
"Jongin, I'm sorry," Minseok says and he can tell he's being sincere. He's always sincere and that's why Jongin likes him. But Jongin doesn't want to hear it. Minseok shouldn’t be sorry anyway. It’s just Jongin. He's tired. He's completely naked. He doesn't care for now.  
  
"It's okay," Jongin replies, stepping to the side so he can head on up to his room.  
  
He hears Minseok follow after him, probably to make sure he really is fine but they both stop when Jongin's mother enters and sees him.  
  
"Jongin? Honey, why are your eyes all puffy?"  
  
Jongin endures the way his mother is fussing over him, brushing his hair out of his eyes as she cups her son's face in her hands. Jongin wants to snort at how she seems interested in him and how she's giving him this sudden attention when it's the one time he doesn't want it.  
  
"He and Sehun stayed up all night," Minseok explains behind him. "Watching movies."  
  
Jongin nods, too tired to speak up and lie.  
  
"Well go get some sleep." Jongin's mother kisses his forehead. "I'll have lunch ready by the time you wake up."  
  
Jongin thanks her and heads up his room, thankful that Minseok didn't follow him this time.  
  
It's amazing how Jongin can still manage to pretend.  
  
Jongin goes about his business like the responsible son he is. His parents never found out about that night and Jongin lives every day as if it didn't happen. He goes on pretending because what else is there for him to do? His parents are going away again anyway and things will be back to normal.  
  
Jongin tries his best not to see Minseok after that.  
  
Even if it's hard when he's there every day.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Jongin chose to pick himself up through school and whatever else he deems necessary to get everything back to normal.  
  
He studies and participates in class, passing every exam they're given in the last few months he's in. He doesn't top his classes but just manages to get by enough so he doesn't have to attend summer school.  
  
Minseok tries to get him to talk to him again just like old times but Jongin doesn't feel like it anymore. He eats his meals alone, calls the driver when he needs a ride and walks home when Minseok says he's going to be the one to pick him up. He replies that school is okay every time Minseok asks and leaves the room so he doesn't get to talk to him more. Jongin's not mad. He doesn't hate him. He can never hate Kim Minseok. But Jongin would just like to get over him in peace.  
  
Jongin still dances. Because it's the only thing left that's not breaking his heart.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
The months start piling up until it's almost Jongin's birthday again. His parents ask him what he wants for his birthday and this time, Jongin thinks really hard about it.  
  
Minseok doesn't like what Jongin asked for his birthday. He knows because when Jongin decided what he wanted, his parents made Minseok in charge of buying his plane tickets and scouting a place where he can study and live abroad.  
  
"You're being unreasonable," Minseok said to him when he knew. "You're barely of age! You're eighteen and-"  
  
"And I'm ready to grow up," Jongin answers him, looking at him fully for the first time in months. He finds that it was a bad idea to look at Minseok after a long time of not being able to. Because Minseok is still all sorts of handsome and beautiful and pretty. He's angry right now but he's still bright. And even after a long time of trying not to feel anything, Jongin still feels that painful ache in his chest because Minseok is still concerned about him.  
  
"You're not growing up," Minseok adds. "You're being a brat. You're running away from things-"  
  
Jongin doesn't let him finish his sentence as he heads to his room.  
  
Going away to study abroad is the most grown-up decision Jongin thinks he has ever made. His parents were surprised about his decision but nevertheless supported him since they knew that Jongin can learn more things by being away from home. It'll help him become more responsible, his father said, beaming at his son's decision.  
  
Sehun supported him too, tackling him into a hug when he found out.  
  
"You better send me emails and stuff and visit me once in awhile," He said, getting teary eyed at the thought of being separated from him.  
  
He's packing his stuff up days before he leaves when Mr. Lu visits him in his room. Jongin is surprised to find him there when Mr. Lu rarely heads up the second floor and visits him. In fact, this is the first time he's in Jongin's room.  
  
"Can I come in?" Mr. Lu asks and Jongin nods, making space for him by his bed so he can sit down among the mess. Mr. Lu closes his door and waddles around the amount of shoes Jongin has that are all laid out on the ground.  
  
"You're not serious about bringing all this stuff with you, are you?" Mr. Lu asks, picking up a heavy jacket. "It'll be better to buy more clothes over there than to have you pack all this heavy stuff up."  
  
Jongin considers that and tosses the jacket away.  
  
"And you're not serious about leaving at all, are you?"  
  
Jongin finds himself smiling at this. "Yes, I am serious."  
  
Mr. Lu sighs. "I was hoping you weren't going to say that."  
  
Jongin fumbles around the folded shirts he has on his lap.  
  
"Did you come here because of... ?" Jongin asks and Mr. Lu nods. Jongin doesn't have to say who he means anyway.  
  
"But not because he asked me to," Mr. Lu says and Jongin looks at him. "I came because there's something I want you to know about him."  
  
Jongin thinks that's not necessary but he listens anyway.  
  
"Minseok and I went to the same high school back then. When we were both your age, Minseok used to have this crush on one of our history teachers, Mr. Jung Yunho," Mr. Lu smiles as he recalls this. "Minseok would do a bunch of embarrassing things for Mr. Jung, things he didn't mean to do but he does it because he gets flustered all the time when Mr. Jung calls on him or when he passes by us in the hallways."  
  
Jongin smiles as he listens to this knowing how familiar this sounds. He imagines seventeen year old Minseok in a uniform with his round cheeks and long hair, blushing at this Mr. Jung just how Jongin would do around him.  
  
"Until it got a little serious. It wasn't just a crush anymore. Minseok would offer to stay after classes for him, run errands for him even if Mr. Jung didn't tell him to. Minseok would make it a habit to run into Mr. Jung at his favorite coffee shop. Until Mr. Jung decided to get married and found Minseok on his front porch one night, crying and telling him how much he likes him and that he shouldn't get married. And Mr. Jung isn't like us... So he dropped him. Hard."  
  
Jongin lowers his head at this.  
  
"If you think that Minseok doesn't understand, he does. Minseok understands you the most. And these past few months, whatever happened between the two of you, Minseok saw himself in you and didn't want to break you just how Mr. Jung broke him even if he didn't intend to."  
  
Minseok in his place. Minseok broken. Jongin can't ever see Minseok being broken. Minseok is perfect and whole. But maybe that's the thing about growing up. Maybe you'll heal after a while. Maybe Minseok has healed. And Jongin accused him of not being able to pretend well when Minseok has had his share of pretending.  
  
"Mr. Jung Yunho was a nice person who just didn't know how to handle things. But Minseok did and he..." Mr. Lu looks at him. "If you think Minseok doesn't care about you a lot, then you're wrong."  
  
Jongin knows that now.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
_Happy 18th Birthday Jonginnie!_  
  
Jongin looks at his birthday cake and sighs. Some things never change.  
  
But he isn't cringing like last year. He's smiling. His parents are there, sitting and talking to Sehun's parents who Jongin invited over. Sehun is taking pictures of him and telling him to fix the ridiculous birthday hat he made him wear.  
  
"Are we all set? Is everyone ready?" Jongin's mother asks and Jongin rolls his eyes.  
  
"Mom, I'm just going to blow the candles."  
  
His mother and father end up bickering playfully on the side while Sehun keeps on talking to him about nonsense stuff again. Jongin wonders where he gets this stuff and why his best friend is such a goof.  
  
"Give me your phone," Sehun says. "I'm going to fill it with my face so you won't miss me."  
  
Jongin snorts and Sehun snickers, snatching his phone out of his hands.  
  
He's leaving tomorrow. He already sent most of his stuff at his new place. He'll be living alone. Jongin's parents had wanted at least a helper to come live with him to do his laundry and cook his food. But Jongin didn't want that and made sure to convince his mom he won't die from starvation.  
  
His new school is just two blocks down his place. They also have a dance program that Jongin can sign up for once he's there. It's a highly accredited dance program and Jongin thinks he's lucky that the school has it.  
  
"You have a message," Sehun says, tossing his phone back to him. Jongin taps on the screen when he sees who it's from.  
  
Meet me outside.  
  
Jongin excuses himself from the dinner table as he makes his way out to the garden. Usually he'd ignore messages from him because he doesn't know how to deal with his presence. But these days, it's getting a little better and Jongin doesn't find that it hurt as much as it did back then.  
  
It's a Sunday so Minseok is dressed in sneakers and in jeans and in a huge sweater which Jongin finds funny. It makes Minseok seem tinier and he doesn't hide the amused smile on his face when he sees him.  
  
"Shut up," Minseok grumbles. "It's comfortable."  
  
Jongin nods as he tries to hide his laughter as they both settle by the railings.  
  
Jongin still finds Minseok attractive. That's never going to change, he thinks. Minseok is his first love, as cheesy as that sounds. Minseok will always remind him about feeling giddy and getting flustered and feeling hurt. Jongin realizes that in the end, it's not that bad. He's thankful it's Kim Minseok he fell in love with.  
  
"Happy Birthday," Minseok says, handing him his present. Jongin bows and thanks him as usual. It's a big box and Jongin opens it to find that they're shoes. Regular sneakers that fits Jongin's style.  
  
"You'll be dancing a lot," Minseok explains. "I expect you to wear them out."  
  
Jongin looks at him. Minseok was the one who chose the school he's going to attend. Minseok knew what he would be doing during his free time. It wasn't luck that the school had a program like that after all.  
  
"Do you love me?" Jongin asks, lowering the box as he continues to stare at Minseok. He knows the answer to that question but he still can't help but ask. He's not hoping the answer is going to change but he just wants to know.  
  
When Minseok doesn't reply, Jongin changes the question.  
  
"Was there ever a time that you think you loved me?"  
  
Minseok smiles at him. "I care a lot about you. That's never going to change."  
  
Jongin finds this answer good enough and he nods.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
They're shrouded in silence again when Minseok speaks up.  
  
"If you're leaving because of me- "  
  
Jongin shakes his head as he turns to him.  
  
"No. I need to leave. I don't think I can stay here and grow up being..." Jongin takes a deep breath as he admits this again out loud. "Being gay without showing it. I'm tired of hiding. But i'm not ready to tell anyone, my parents, or show who I am in front of them."  
  
Jongin gives Minseok a smile.  
  
"I'm leaving for me. So I can be who I am without them finding out so soon or having to pretend all the time."  
  
Minseok looks back at him and matches the same smile on Jongin's face.  
  
"You'll tell them someday," He says, looking out the garden.  
  
"You sound so sure." Jongin replies.  
  
"I've always said this. You're a good person."  
  
Jongin doesn't know why he feels lighter and in that moment, Mr. Lu's words comes back to him.  
  
Minseok didn't break him.  
  
The smile on Minseok’s face is too bright but Jongin doesn’t look away.  
  
"Thanks, hyung."  
  
Minseok looks at him, surprised. Jongin laughs at the look on his face as he throws an arm around his shoulders so easily, smelling Minseok’s cologne and basking at how warm he feels.  
  
Jongin is going to miss him.  
  
"Come on, hyung. I'm hungry."  
  
Minseok pats his chest and laughs back. "You're finally sharing your cake."  
  
Jongin blows his candles that day, forgetting to make a wish.  
  
Besides, he thinks it already came true.  
  
He's finally prepared to grow up now.


End file.
